Oh, hey. Did you forget about me?

It's been a few months since I've blogged. I needed a bit to regroup, think and set some realistic goals. See, here's the thing about me, I'm an awkward, introverted, type A, list making, planner. I'm also a funny, competitive, driven, impatient, and broken individual. Broken? What does that even mean?

Cory tells me I'm not broken, just bent, but fixable. So the struggle internally looks a little something like this. "I'm doing great, I'm checking things off my list and having a great day." Fast forward an hour or so and you'll find "Why hasn't anyone liked, or commented on, my blog?" "What did I do wrong?" "OMG, how do I fix this?" "What if it never really 'takes off'?" "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH".... insert panic attack. Then, I give up, shut down and just stop.

I've struggled with mental health issues for awhile. I think I really started recognizing issues around the time my mom's health took a serious decline. But at that time, my main focus was her. Getting her the care she needed, making her comfortable, settling in to hospice, etc. Well, then, you know, after hospice nothing is ever really good for awhile. I drank, A LOT, that summer after she died. A health scare woke me up and I stopped drinking. I started heading down the path to my physical health and along the way realized that my mental health needed care too. I started counseling and a few medications for depression and anxiety.

These things really helped but there were still a lot of things that needed to be addressed. I worked through things, and found out that I actually have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Yeah... see? Hot. Broken. Mess. Here's what these things look like:

Generalized Anxiety Disorder:

• Restlessness, or feeling on edge

• Fatigue

• Concentration issues, or mind going "blank"

• Irritability

• Muscle tension

• Sleep issues (trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, etc)

Social Anxiety Disorder:

• Intense worry about social situations (like, INTENSE)

• Worrying for days, or longer, about an event

• Avoiding social situations (or hiding when you're at an event)

• Missing work (or school) because of anxiety

• Shaking, dizziness, lightheadedness, rapid heart rate, difficulty speaking, sweating, nausea, etc.

Major Depressive Disorder:

• Feeling sad, tearful, empty, hopeless, alone

• Outbursts of anger, irritability or frustration, often over small things

• Not caring about things you love, or unable to find pleasure in activities, hobbies, etc

• Sleep issues such as insomnia or sleeping too much (cause we don't already deal with that - see above)

• Fatigue, loss of energy

• Appetite changes (lack of and weight loss OR increased cravings and weight gain)

• Anxiety (cool, eh?!), restlessness, agitation

• Feeling worthless, hopeless, guilt, self-blame, etc

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder:

• Hypervigilance

• Startling easily

• Anxiety (oh, more of that, sure, why not?)

• Self-destructive behavior

• Loss of interest in activities

• Emotional detachment

• Avoiding reminders, or situations, of the trauma

• Intrusive thoughts

These are just a few of the symptoms of each, but are symptoms that I feel regularly. There are days, weeks, sometimes longer, that I feel good. There are days, weeks, sometimes longer, that I feel like absolute shit. I feel like my mind is in a constant state of war. Of fight or flight. Of what is wrong with me? Of why am I like this? And I hate it. So, what do I do when my mind does this? I SHUT DOWN. My brain goes into overload and I just quit. I need time to deal, process, heal and repair.

That "process" from the outside can look a lot like me not answering calls/messages, not talking about "real" stuff, but maybe just being funny so I don't have to deal with the heavy stuff, me canceling plans, or not making them, taking mental health days from work, etc. For me, it looks a lot like crying (A LOT), getting upset over everything, panic attacks, meltdowns, sleeping very, very little, notes everywhere because my mind is all over the place, having NO concentration and not being able to focus, being overwhelmed, giving up on my goals, overeating/giving in to cravings (I'm an emotional eater), physically getting sick, migraines, worry, worry, worry, and ALL the self-destructive thoughts you can imagine (I'm fat, I'm not worthy, I'm worthless, I'm ugly, I don't deserve the happiness I have now, when will that end, how do I keep it from ending, I've failed, I'm a failure, I'm a loser, I can't complete anything, I'm. So. Stupid. blah, blah, blah.... I really could keep going on about those thoughts). All this? Just the tip of the iceberg. Literally.

So, for 2022, I set really small, really realistic goals for myself. Really attain-

able things that aren't overwhelming and will help me mentally, physically and emotionally. I am working on me. I'm healing. I'm journaling. I'm learning. But most of all, I'm trying my best. Some days more than others. I LOVE writing. It's an outlet for me and I will continue to blog. My goal is to post once every other week. If it's more, it's more. If it's less, then it's less. But this is a good healing mechanism for me.

I shut down and I'll probably shut down again because it's a coping mechanism when the world and my brain get to be too much for me to handle. I hope what to get out to whomever reads this is that mental health matters. It's real and it's important. If you are lucky enough to not have to deal with these things, chances are really real that you know, or love, someone who does. Sometimes what you think anxiety, depression, etc is, isn't what it is to the person going through it. Maybe it comes off that the person looks like an asshole because they don't respond to you, or show up to your parties. Maybe it comes off that the person is "just" a worrier or "just" sad and that they "just need to get over it". Please remember that that is not it and it's not an easy battle. Get informed on caring and supporting people who deal with these battles and just be there. Be supportive. Be patient. Be there when we need picked up. Be there when she comes back out of the "cave" and starts laughing, loving, writing, learning, healing and living again. Be there when she needs to shut back down and go in to hiding for a bit. Just, be there and understand. Help us be good to ourselves, remind us that self-care is a necessity and help us cope, heal, live.

Be an advocate for mental health. Our mental health system is in shambles and doesn't appear to be getting any better any time soon. Fight for your loved ones to get the care that they need. Stay in touch (even if you only get left on read or a funny meme back) with them. Help find professional help if/when it's needed.

The National Suicide Prevention hotline is 800-273-8255. If you're in Central Iowa, there is a Behavioral Health Urgent Care. Their address is 1250 E 9th St., Des Moines, IA 50316 and their phone number is 515-263-2632.

"One small crack does not mean that you're broken, it means that you were put to the test and you didn't fall apart" - Linda Poindexter

"Emotional pain is not something that should be hidden away and never spoken about. There is truth to your pain, there is growth in your pain, but ONLY if it's first brought out into the open." - Steven Aitchison